They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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