Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
