So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
