Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
