Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
