made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize