Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
