I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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