i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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