Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
