fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
