u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
