Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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