I puked a lego.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
