I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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