I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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