My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
