my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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