Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
