My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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