You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
