I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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