My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
