I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
