dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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