I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
