Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
