so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
