everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
