Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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