i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
