i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
