My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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