Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm at about main and main street
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
