I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
