I cannot find my penis.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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