i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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