Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
