Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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