you have to choose: penises or morals?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
