Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
