So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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