Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
