In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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