I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
