did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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