I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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