your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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