He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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