What did we do last night that was yellow?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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