i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
