I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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