She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
